The Cathode Ray Mission: December 2011

It's time for a holiday themed rumble.

Christmas eve, 1971, Billy Chapman, a little boy, goes with his parents and younger brother Ricky to visit their grandfather for Christmas at a mental institution. Billy's grandfather is in a catatonic state, when Billy's parents go off with the doctor, leaving him alone with Billy. Grandpa starts talking to Billy, and tells him the "truth" about Santa Claus: Santa not only gives presents to good boys and girls, but punishes the naughty ones. As his parents return, Grandpa goes back into his catatonic state. On their way home they are waylaid by a robber dressed as Santa. Billy's parents are brutally murdered. Billy and his brother are sent to St. Mary's Orphanage. In 1984, Billy, who is now eighteen years old gets a job at a local toy store. When he's forced to wear a Santa and sees a female coworker raped he freaks out and goes on a killing spree.

The Santa slayer (Don't Open Till Christmas). He's a killer who likes to wear a plastic mask and kill anybody dressed as Santa. All of this is due to a traumatic incident involving someone wearing a Santa costume when he was growing up. You don't get naughtier then this dude.

The stockings are stuffed with body parts. The mistletoe is covered in blood and the only ones stirring are psychos. It's time for the killer Santa to face off against the Santa slayer.

Last week's winner

Cherry Darling beat the machine girl Ami in a fairly close battle.

Nothing say Christmas like a few maniacs, a traumatized childhood or two and lots of knives. So between all the gift giving and present openings, I'm going to indulge in a X-mas themed marathon.

So far I've watched...

Such a weird little film. I love it immensely and hope someday it gets the deluxe DVD treatment. A creepy old mansion, an escaped mental patient, sepia flashbacks and a mute John Carradine, ringing a bell, What's not to love?

Yuletide count: We get a Christmas tree, some holiday decorations and lights, a few gifts getting wrapped, a bit of snow and a very creepy rendition of silent night.

Aldo Lado's Last House riff is equal parts classy and sleazy. If you want a holiday film that's the complete opposite of A Christmas Story, well you can't go wrong with this epic of Italian nastiness.

Yuletide count: One beat up Santa, a groovy looking Christmas tree and a few presents.

Speaking of sleazy, they don't come much sleazier then this. Caroline Munro shows up as herself and belts out a tune. A poor St. Nick get's his wang shorted. And in my favorite scene some punks harass a poor Santa on a bike.

Yuletide count: Lots of Christmas cheer here. Many dead Santa's, lots of decorations and one mean present.

Big dumb fun. This film has become a holiday staple for me in the last couple of years. Where else can you witness Bill Goldberg slaughter Chris Kattan and James Caan! Plus Dave Thomas cracks me up as the strip club going Pastor Timmons.

Yuletide count: One big pissed off Santa and some killer reindeer. A bunch of holiday decorations and trees. And one massacred bunch of carolers.

Here's a remake I dig. The script is witty at times. The girl's are hot. The gore's not bad. And the film looks slick. Though I feel the film gives us way too much back story on Billy and Agnes. The flashbacks are scattered about in a way that derails the action.

Yuletide count: Lots of Christmas cheer on hand. Roaring fires, egg nog, Christmas trees aplenty, tons of lights and one dead Santa.

Bob Clark's other Christmas masterpiece. Of course I don't have to tell you about this one, it's a classic. What I will say about is that's it's atmosphere is damn near perfect. Clark captures the bleakness of winter in such a way that you feel the chill of the wind and hear the crunch of snow without even being there.

Yuletide count: We have a Santa with a white guy afro. Some drunken Christmas party antics. Presents and decorations galore. and one nice old tree.

Naughty! Punish! My second favorite Christmas movie of all time.

Yuletide count: One low key Christmas party, strangulation with lights, A few Christmas trees and one very uncomfortable session of sitting on Santa's lap.

Renting a copy of this many years ago I was expecting to get a sleazy good slasher outing like Silent Night, Deadly Night. What I got instead was disappointment. Were was all the killing? Nothing freaking happened for half the movie and then when it did, it didn't last long. Most of the film was about this poor sod named Harry who lives and breathes Christmas melting down till he finally snaps. What a freaking bummer. A couple years ago a friend of mine rented a couple of DVDs and invited me over. Well the first one he popped in was Christmas Evil! What a difference ten years makes. My tastes had matured. Not only could I enjoy the film for what it was, but for what it was doing. It's a charming film that affirms Christmas time, while at the same time showing how it can be perverted. It's a great Christmas film. It's become mandatory yuletide viewing for me and my favorite Christmas movie.

Yuletide count: A bunch of Santa's, lots and I mean lots of Christmas decorations, presents, trees and Santa's groovy '80's van.

Happy Holidays!