Sunday, August 29, 2010

Nic Cage vs. B.L.O.W.

Las Vegas Bloodbath (1989)

Director: David Schwartz

Writer: David Schwartz

Starring: Ari Levin, Tina Prunty, The ladies of B.L.O.W. -- Beautiful Ladies (of) Oil Wrestling,

"What's his problem?"
"I don't know, maybe he doesn't like DAYTIME WHORES!"

Wicker Man? It's a deal!

Sometimes loving the types of movies that I do comes with a price. I really love horror films. All of them, the good, the bad and the downright weird. But it's hard to stop. I'm always looking for the next horror film high. The great thing about DVD is that so many horror films are being released. So many horror films to discover. But amongst these horror gems there are also something else. The truly weird and awful. Films that are so oddly done that you wonder about the filmmaker's intentions and what drugs were used behind the scenes.

Daytime Whore? Pops Racer? 

Sam (Ari Levin) is some sort of "business man." When we first meet him, he's high-fiving himself over some great business deal and carrying a badass brick cell phone. To celebrate he decides to buy his wife a new car she's wanted and drive it home to surprise her. But sadly Sam's the one in for a surprise. As he's driving home his wife (Who wears the worst wig ever.) and her lover (Who has a porn-tache and gets way too undressed.) are doing the horizontal mambo. Lucky for Sam his wife's lover is a deputy, so he can shoot the two (Poorly dubbed sound effects and no flash from the gun hilarity ensue.) as they slumber in bed with the deputy's gun. Sam then does what any man that just killed his cheating would...pick up a hooker. And not any old hooker, no my friend, a daytime whore! It all ends with the whore dying by some of the most cheesy gore effects ever. Touting his wife's severed head about town, Sam goes for a drink, but ends up just shooting the bartender and taking off. Time for Sam to play peeping tom. He spies on the "lovely" ladies of B.L.O.W. They go about their day eating disgusting looking pizza, watching one of their matches on T.V. and razzing their pregnant friend. I think this part of the film took place over several days. It sure felt that way. Finally Sam stops peeping from the bushes and goes on a sweaty rampage. First tying up the B.L.O.W. girls and then killing them one by one. A drill gets used for something other then house work. One of the girls tries to escape, a Jehova's Witness loses their head and a cop finds a really messy bathroom. It all ends with a freeze frame and a theme song.

Goodbye ozone.

Sam has to be one of the most haphazard psychopaths I've ever seen. He doesn't really have a plan. He just sort of meanders around Vegas picking off a couple of people till he happens upon those B.L.O.W. ladies. Then for a good twenty minutes he disappears as we spend time with the girls and Sam hides in bushes outside. I'd really like to know the how's and whys of the making of Las Vegas Bloodbath. But I don't think my mind could bear it. Filled with fake gore and faker acting. It's watchable in that WTF sort of way. It's just so damn bad and weird. I just had to show it to someone else...

Dan (indrid13)

I'm convinced that by delaying the summer edition of our annual F' you in the A' marathon by a few weeks, the Prof. became more angry than he let on. Stewing in his lab, he devised a plan to lay waste to me mentally and physically. The method of his revenge? Las Vegas Blood Bath.
What started with promises of Nic Cage look-a-likes and daytime whores ended in a soul shattering spiral of oil wrestling, dodgy effects, paper walls, and unfortunate nudity.

Now that's a party

So, what happens in this "movie" you may ask? Well the love child of Randy from Valley Girl and Patrick Bateman goes Nevada Psycho after witnessing his wife, whose hair dresser seems to be the world's biggest Jim Gillette fan, having what passes for sex in 80's home movies. So, our pal the twisted psycho cruises the streets of Vegas (which are flat and lifeless during the day, devoid of their neon splendor), kills a daytime whore (apparently saving her from the rough trade she surely would have endured at the hand of Pops Racer), shots a bartender, and spies on some "ladies" (more about them in a bit). This comprises about thirty minutes. Not too bad (endurance wise). What comes next is much, much worse.

The Bees!

The ladies in question in the previous paragraph are none other than the members of B.L.O.W., the Beautiful Lady Oil Wrestling or as I call them Bitches Lounging On Wednesday. That's all they do. Lay about, watch TV, order pizza, try on ugly swim wear, all of which plays out in real-time as Dick Cage looks on. After an eternity of ad-libing and wrestling stock footage our "hero" makes his presence known, takes his shirt off (and puts it on, and takes it off, and puts it on), murders some of the Boring Lasses Obviously Wasted , including one who is outrageously pregnant (seriously, she looks like she's in her eleventh month) and felt the need to show us her tits (see the photo that accompanies this piece for my reaction to that little treat. Any way, dolls splat against paper walls ("You can film at my house, but don't fuck up my wallpaper!"), things happen, and then it ends (but the pain lingers on and on).

Thanks Dan. To know that now someone else is forever scared by the Nicolas Cage looking Ari Levin and Las Vegas Bloodbath helps me sleep a little better at night.


Jayson said...

Excellent review of this horrible SOV wonder! More horror bloggers should delve into the inner crotch thigh area of horror!

J. Astro said...

I must admit, despite the sounds of this being an abysmal nightmare, I'm kinda sorry I haven't happened upon it yet.

Dan said...

We could lie and say we watch this stuff so that you are saved from wasting your time and brain cells, but we know in our dark little hearts that everyone that comes here will seek these turds out with shark-like ferocity!

J. Astro said...

@ Dan - exactly, dude! tell me how "good" something is and I'll put it off forever. But if you tell me how bad something is, somehow I just gotta make it a point to see for myself. A strange reverse-psychology that most real genre fans have developed, no doubt.

Professor Brian O'Blivion said...

Glad you guys enjoyed our "trip" to Vegas. The film is quite a experience. The set does come with a few '80's gems like Blood Cult and Blood Massacre. So it balances out the whole Vegas thing.

Diamhea said...

The dude rocking the pink shorts in the first image was actually a cameo by the "director."

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