Nic Cage vs. B.L.O.W.

Las Vegas Bloodbath (1989)

Director: David Schwartz

Writer: David Schwartz

Starring: Ari Levin, Tina Prunty, The ladies of B.L.O.W. -- Beautiful Ladies (of) Oil Wrestling,

"What's his problem?"
"I don't know, maybe he doesn't like DAYTIME WHORES!"

Wicker Man? It's a deal!

Sometimes loving the types of movies that I do comes with a price. I really love horror films. All of them, the good, the bad and the downright weird. But it's hard to stop. I'm always looking for the next horror film high. The great thing about DVD is that so many horror films are being released. So many horror films to discover. But amongst these horror gems there are also something else. The truly weird and awful. Films that are so oddly done that you wonder about the filmmaker's intentions and what drugs were used behind the scenes.

Daytime Whore? Pops Racer? 

Sam (Ari Levin) is some sort of "business man." When we first meet him, he's high-fiving himself over some great business deal and carrying a badass brick cell phone. To celebrate he decides to buy his wife a new car she's wanted and drive it home to surprise her. But sadly Sam's the one in for a surprise. As he's driving home his wife (Who wears the worst wig ever.) and her lover (Who has a porn-tache and gets way too undressed.) are doing the horizontal mambo. Lucky for Sam his wife's lover is a deputy, so he can shoot the two (Poorly dubbed sound effects and no flash from the gun hilarity ensue.) as they slumber in bed with the deputy's gun. Sam then does what any man that just killed his cheating would...pick up a hooker. And not any old hooker, no my friend, a daytime whore! It all ends with the whore dying by some of the most cheesy gore effects ever. Touting his wife's severed head about town, Sam goes for a drink, but ends up just shooting the bartender and taking off. Time for Sam to play peeping tom. He spies on the "lovely" ladies of B.L.O.W. They go about their day eating disgusting looking pizza, watching one of their matches on T.V. and razzing their pregnant friend. I think this part of the film took place over several days. It sure felt that way. Finally Sam stops peeping from the bushes and goes on a sweaty rampage. First tying up the B.L.O.W. girls and then killing them one by one. A drill gets used for something other then house work. One of the girls tries to escape, a Jehova's Witness loses their head and a cop finds a really messy bathroom. It all ends with a freeze frame and a theme song.

Goodbye ozone.

Sam has to be one of the most haphazard psychopaths I've ever seen. He doesn't really have a plan. He just sort of meanders around Vegas picking off a couple of people till he happens upon those B.L.O.W. ladies. Then for a good twenty minutes he disappears as we spend time with the girls and Sam hides in bushes outside. I'd really like to know the how's and whys of the making of Las Vegas Bloodbath. But I don't think my mind could bear it. Filled with fake gore and faker acting. It's watchable in that WTF sort of way. It's just so damn bad and weird. I just had to show it to someone else...

Dan (indrid13)

I'm convinced that by delaying the summer edition of our annual F' you in the A' marathon by a few weeks, the Prof. became more angry than he let on. Stewing in his lab, he devised a plan to lay waste to me mentally and physically. The method of his revenge? Las Vegas Blood Bath.
What started with promises of Nic Cage look-a-likes and daytime whores ended in a soul shattering spiral of oil wrestling, dodgy effects, paper walls, and unfortunate nudity.

Now that's a party

So, what happens in this "movie" you may ask? Well the love child of Randy from Valley Girl and Patrick Bateman goes Nevada Psycho after witnessing his wife, whose hair dresser seems to be the world's biggest Jim Gillette fan, having what passes for sex in 80's home movies. So, our pal the twisted psycho cruises the streets of Vegas (which are flat and lifeless during the day, devoid of their neon splendor), kills a daytime whore (apparently saving her from the rough trade she surely would have endured at the hand of Pops Racer), shots a bartender, and spies on some "ladies" (more about them in a bit). This comprises about thirty minutes. Not too bad (endurance wise). What comes next is much, much worse.

The Bees!

The ladies in question in the previous paragraph are none other than the members of B.L.O.W., the Beautiful Lady Oil Wrestling or as I call them Bitches Lounging On Wednesday. That's all they do. Lay about, watch TV, order pizza, try on ugly swim wear, all of which plays out in real-time as Dick Cage looks on. After an eternity of ad-libing and wrestling stock footage our "hero" makes his presence known, takes his shirt off (and puts it on, and takes it off, and puts it on), murders some of the Boring Lasses Obviously Wasted , including one who is outrageously pregnant (seriously, she looks like she's in her eleventh month) and felt the need to show us her tits (see the photo that accompanies this piece for my reaction to that little treat. Any way, dolls splat against paper walls ("You can film at my house, but don't fuck up my wallpaper!"), things happen, and then it ends (but the pain lingers on and on).

Thanks Dan. To know that now someone else is forever scared by the Nicolas Cage looking Ari Levin and Las Vegas Bloodbath helps me sleep a little better at night.

They were young and in love. He was crazy. She was dead.

Horror House on Highway 5 (1985)

Director: Richard Casey

Writer: Richard Casey

Starring: Phil Therrien, Max Manthey, Irene F., Michael Castagnolia, Susan Leslie, Randy Daitch,

"Hey Joe, tell your Dad to eat shit!"

Not the house.

Um...Well. Really? What the hell? There's really no way to make my brain stop hurting. Between the crazy Nazi scientist, the brain maggots and a killer dressed as Richard Nixon! This film's like a drug trip without the drugs. Add to it that the acting ranges from hammy over acting to non-acting on a somnambulist level. Then there's the soundtrack, it'll have your ears bleeding. It ranges from ridiculous surf music to what sounds like a cello getting murdered by a one-armed strangler. If your not careful this trip to Horror House On Highway 5 could lead to Lovecraftian madness.

Nerd hot.

After the titles, which really don't prepare you at all for the coming insanity, we meet Dr. Mabuser (Therrien) and his slow sidekick Gary (Manthey). The Doc is instructing his goofy sidekick about what certain Tarot cards stand for. Then as we try to wrap our heads around the fact that the good Dr. Mabuser insists the the death card means love the film cuts to another scene that seems to have nothing to do with the Doctor and his pal. Only minutes in and my brain was already angry with me. A somewhat plain looking woman is doing some housework when some dude in a Richard Nixon mask scares her. Is Tricky Dick her boyfriend or maybe her husband? We're never told. But the credits list her name as simply Housewife, so judge for yourself. Maybe someday I'll write a prequel fanfic about these two...or maybe not. Anyway nonplussed by Tricky Dick's antics she decides to take a shower (naturally) and sends him out to the car to get something. An unseen killer hiding in the back seat offs Tricky Dick. The woman finishes her shower and we get a very unwanted look at her in a gratuitous t&a shot. Thankfully the killer shows up now wearing the Nixon mask and after a brief case that ends with the woman gingerly falling onto a glass table, shattering it. Her wrist cut open by the glass, after a bit more of stalking she's dispatched by the killer.

Dario?

Plugged or not plugged? 

Next we cut to to a college classroom full of the oddest looking collage "kids" ever assembled. The sweatiest professor (Daitch) I've ever seen is telling his "students" about the town of Littletown and a deceased Nazi scientist named Bartholomew, who supposedly created the V2 rocket. He wants three of his students go to Littletown and research Bartholomew and make replicas of his rockets. The three that are "lucky" enough to get this assignment are: Louise (Leslie), who's like Velma from Scooby Doo (Right down to the can't see without her glasses weakness), Then there's Mike (Castagnolia) the stoner, who looks a helluva lot like a young Dario Argento, and lastly there's polka dot dress wearing Sally (Irene F.). Sally goes to see Dr. Mabuser whilst Louise and Dario Argento take the Mystery Machine to Littletown for some rocket making.

Dead. Cat.

Meanwhile Richard Nixon stalks a couple of victims in the moonlight. This scene is probability my favorite scene in the film. It features a girl who appears to be auditioning for My Cousin Vinny 2 and her boyfriend, a drunken David Naughton wannabe. Drunken Naughton also has some of the worst acting in the film and the best lines. With Nixon outside their car our drunk friend gets out a hollers "Hey, I'm gonna fuck you, man!" Then socks Dick in the face. Tricky Dick beats the hell out of Mr. drunk and then gets run over. Not that'll stop the 37th President of the United States! Drunken Naughton dies from his injuries and his gal pal runs off. Long story short: everyone seems to end up at said Horror House. Dr. Mabuser, Gary, Sally, Louise and Dario, all of them and Richard Nixon too! Brain maggots, attempted drilling and boob ironings ensue. Boob ironing!

Our 37th President

Did someone slip me drugs? This film is plain nuts! Once in awhile you come across a film that not only makes you question the filmmakers sanity but yours as well. There's the killer wearing a Richard Nixon mask who's played Ronald Reagan! How about Louise's non-acting. Mike discovers a dead and very fake looking cat in the back of the van. Louise reacts to it like someone just told her library card was out of date. Making it even stranger is that earlier in the film when she's sitting poolside there's a cat sitting next to her that looks like the dead one! Another weird thing about her is that halfway into the film some scenes she's wearing a very obvious wig! There's an unseen "thing" in the house's basement that makes swooshing nosies and cuts people. We never get to see it or even told what "it" is. You have to witness Dr. Marbuse's black magic Boob ironing ritual with an iron that appears not to be plugged in. To top it all of the ritual ends with Three Stooges style antics and sound effects! There's so much more madness in this film besides what I've mentioned. You sort of have to experience it for yourself.

Bloody Dick

Doing a little digging online that Bill Pope credited as William Pope, playing the first guy to wear the Nixon mask before getting killed and listed simply as the Gentleman in the end credits is the same Bill Pope that's cinematographer on such films as Spider-Man 2 and 3, The Matrix films, and Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. Richard Meltzer who plays the drunken tough guy turns out to be a pioneering rock critic who got his start in the early '70's!

Beyond the door

It's in no way what you'd call a "good" film. But it's so damn weird and unhinged that it becomes something that you really can't categorize. If you what a quick weird film high you may want to take a trip to Horror House on Highway 5. Be warned though, you may not comeback the same.

The Slashers: : Sweet Sixteen review

Sweet Sixteen (1983)

Directed by: Jim Sotos

Written by: Erwin Goldman

Starring: Bo Hopkins, Susan Strasberg, Patrick Macnee, Don Stroud, Sharon Farrell, Dana Kimmell, Aleisha Shirley, Larry Storch,
Michael Pataki, Steve Antin

"I'd say we've got a real bona fide nut running around!"

Well, hello SWEET SIXTEEN. Pleased to meet you. Were have you been all my life? Due to the magic of DVD it's possible to revisit old favorites or discover ones we never got to see the first time around. A few years ago reading reviews of SWEET SIXTEEN online, it was just one of those fondly remembered little indie slasher films from the 1980's, that you'd never expect to see again except for maybe an old VHS copy. But here it is on DVD. And special edition DVD with two versions of the film and a handful of special features to boot. So how does it hold up?

Melissa (Shirley) is the new girl in town. Her father (Patrick Macnee!) an archaeologist has relocated his family to a small Texas town, so he can excavate an Indian burial ground. While Melissa is a hit with all the local boys, thing is that all her perspective suiters end up on the business end of some very sharp knives. Most of the town and Melissa’s father suspect Native American, Jason Longshadow (Don Shanks, HALLOWEEN 4) is the killer, Sheriff Dan Burke (Hopkins) and his Nancy Drew like daughter (Dana Kimmell, FRIDAY THE 13th PART III), suspect otherwise. Melissa's mother Joanne (Strasberg), who was born and raised in town before moving away, decides to throw a party to celebrate Melissa’s sweet sixteen and take the town's people's minds off the murders. Sheriff Burke's son (Antin), Melissa’s next beau and maybe the next victim of the killer unless the sheriff can solve the murders and unmask the killer.

Man what an awesome cheese-fest. I loved every...every minute of this sucker. Between Dana Kimmell's ridiculous reaction to finding the first body to Melissa’s "awesome" theme:

"Melissa.... what are you thinking sweet Melissa?....

Are you still with us.... Melissa?....

You look so far away .... Melissa ...

What’s that you're saying? .... Melissa....."

Both of these moments will stay with you for a long, long time afterwards. No amount of booze or therapy will let you forget. Nor will you forget lines like this. "What if the killer is watching us? We could be coleslaw... just like that!" Delivered by Dana Kimmell’s would-be sleuth Marci. I only wish more was done with her character. Trouble is between her brother, Their father the sheriff and Melissa, there's way to many characters and not enough time spent with anyone of them for very long. Speaking of Melissa, you have to love the early '80's slasher films. You'd never see one of the lead actress as nude as Aleisha Shirley in a few scenes. And if she's not nude she's cavorting about in her undies. Besides being very striking, her Melissa is a fairly interesting character. A troubled free spirit, who is the new and mysterious girl in town. Genre vets Hopkins, Strasberg, Macnee, Stroud, and Shanks all give solid performances and lend a bit of credibility to the proceedings. My only other gripe is the attack scenes are filmed without a lot of energy and a bit to dark at times.

Speaking of dark. I guess I can't be to harsh on that aspect because Code Red had to assemble the film from various elements, not all of them in the best shape. Both cuts of the film are about the same as far a quality goes, except for one thing. The theatrical cut is rather poorly framed. But that said it didn't hamper my enjoyment. I've sat through films in worse shape. The big difference between the two cuts is right at the beginning. The opening credits of the theatrical cut features Marci’s love of murder mysteries, where as the director's cut opens with Melissa taking a steamy shower. I actually enjoyed the Marci opening more. I liked the stormy night theatrics to it. There's a fun commentary track included that features Scott Spiegel moderating, with Aleisha Shirley joined by director Jim Sotos, as well a a twenty minute interview with Jim and Aleisa discussing the film, this time joined by Bo Hopkins. Also included are the films trailer and Code Red trailers for NIGHTMARE, STUNT ROCK, RITUALS and BALALAIKA CONSPIRACY.

Heck I enjoyed SWEET SIXTEEN so much I watched it three times. Both cuts of the film and then the film with commentary. I can honestly say I was never bored and never felt like taking a nap during the film. Unlike a lot of movies I watch. If your in the market for vintage '80's cheese, you may enjoy a little SWEET SIXTEEN party.

Boondock Taints

By indrid13

So, the ol’ Prof. has been ridin’ my ass for months now to provide a movie review for the Ray, but I’ve never been inspired enough to actually get off my ass and deliver the goods. Well, today divine inspiration struck in the form of

BOONDOCK SAINTS 2 – ALL SAINT’S DAY

Year: 2009 (although you would swear it was the late 90’s)

Runtime: 118 incredibly tedious minutes

Hey remember when you went to the local video store (because let’s be honest, no one saw Boondock Saints in the theater) and saw the box to Boondock Saints, which inevitably was rented out every single time you visited said store? You might have said “Wow, this movie must be great; it’s rented out all the time!” Or maybe your friends told you about the film, and talked it up like it was the cinematic equivalent of the second coming. Well, both yourself, and your friends were half right. The first Saints was a fun little action film, with a pretty big heart. I know the film has it’s detractors, but fuck ‘em. The movie was entertaining. But it was just one film. You craved more! So, you piled in the car, blasted to the mall, and bought up every last piece of Boondock Saints merchandise that Hot Topic could shove down your throat with it’s iron emo fist wrapped in black velvet. Maybe, just maybe if you showered Tony Duffy with enough adoration it would pay off! Well you got your Red Rider BB gun for Christmas, but the fucker went and blew your eye right out of your skull!

Boondock Saints 2 is without a doubt, the single most unnecessary, boring, overwrought, just plain dog-shit movie I’ve seen in a long time. If you have bought a copy, and for some reason haven’t watched it yet, pray to the almighty that you kept that god damned receipt. If not, just wing it through the Wal-Mart window where you bought it and just swallow your losses. If you’ve rented it, and are reading this before you pop it in, stop reading, gouge a groove in that bitch, go back to blockbuster and claim it was like that when you rented it. So, you may be asking yourself, “indrid, just what has got your panties in a bunch over this thing?” Well, dear readers let me tell you…

Synopsis:
Our story begins in the land of Blarney and shamrocks where Conner and Murphy are livin’ the quiet lives and sporting beards so bushy (not to mention as fake as stripper’s tits) that they look like they are auditioning for the role of a declining Jim Morrison in the local pubs off Broadway production of A Lizard King. Quiet time with good ol’ Da is shattered when a priest bursts in and tells them that a copy cat killer is shootin’ up padres in Beantown and making the Saints look like prize winning dicks to their adoring fans, who no doubt are purchasing Boondock Saints shot glasses at the local HT. What do the boys do? Why take steamy showers in a barn, flex their wet asses, and give themselves haircuts that look so professional that they should be working in the local Lemon Tree instead of blowing away half-assed gangsters of course! Anyway, the boys head to Boston on the USS UFC where they witness preposterous no-holds barred fightin’ match between some huge dude and a hand cuffed guy (who the film will repeatedly remind you is Mexican with the same tenacity as a pit bull clamped to your nuts). Anyway, the boys team up with this guy, who has got to be the most over the top son of a bitch to ever grace the screen…that is until you take into account Julie Benz as special agent Eunice. Look, I don’t care what over rated piece of fly encrusted shit TV show she is currently stinking up the airwaves in this week, in this film she sucks harder than a two dollar whore trying to finance a Rolls Royce. Her southern accent would make the cast of Designing Women blush. She tries to act so fucking cool and slick, but just comes off as constipated. Her face looks like she is constantly sniffing shit, but is supposed to be sexy and rockin’. I hated every single frame of film she was in, and unfortunately she is in a lot of this “film”. Anyway, to make a long story short, people get shot, the Italians are trying to frame the Saints, Eunice and the cops are in cahoots to keep the Saints out of jail, the most annoying cop who is not funny ever, no matter how much the film tries to make you believe he is, dies..ooops spoiler….the old guy from Fraggle Rock returns to say fuck and ass, the Saints new partner is MEXICAN…bad techno music plays over all the action (like it’s 1999), shitty flashbacks reveal Poppa’s origins(who cares), a fat ass with supple man tits shits himself, the Saints new partner is MEXICAN, Peter Fonda is an unconvincing Italian, Judd Nelson is really starting to look like Victor French from Little House on the Prairie, Poppa dies…spoiler….Dafoe shows up for two seconds, the Saints new partner is MEXICAN. Does this sound disjointed? Well try 118 minutes of this bullshit.

Final Analysis:

Wrap up all warm and snug in your Boondock Saints hoodie, down a few shots of whiskey from your Boondock Saints shot glasses and cry yourself to sleep knowing that the legend of your favorite movie is now sullied by a terrible sequel. At least the Highlander fans will sympathize…

Donkey Balls

Which is what the over edited mess that's called Death Tunnel sucked on. It started out okay, felt like maybe it was going somewhere entertaining. But lots of bad over editing and poor acting sank all hope about twenty minutes in. Then the filmmakers drop in some bullshit past lives angle, an evil doctor and some crazy ass refuge from Silent Hill into the bullshit stew. I kept waiting for Pinhead to show up in the last five minutes and say something witty. Oh, wait that was Hellraiser: Hellworld. That sucked donkey balls as well.

Balls

In the land of perms and mullets

Hitcher In The Dark (1989)

Director: Umberto Lenzi

Writers: Umberto Lenzi, Olga Pehar

Starring: Joe Balogh, Josie Bissett, Jason Saucier, Robin Fox

"Hey. Who do you think you are? Mickey Rourke."

Bad hair daze 

Umberto Lenzi. When I see that name in the credits I'm never sure what to expect. He did Spasmo, a decent enough giallo. He also brought us the naval contemplating horror of Black Demons. The Cannibal films, Eaten Alive and Cannibal Ferox. And his masterpiece of cheesy fun...Nightmare City. I was very curious to see how Hitcher In The Dark would stack up against his other films.

He's no Mickey Rourke.

Misogynistic psycho momma's boy Mark (Balogh) cruises around Virginia Beach in his Winnebago, picking up female hitchhikers, making them take the place of his dead mother and killing them when they can't cut it. After dumping his latest victim in the swamp for the gators to eat, he sets his sights on a slim blonde Daniela (Bissette of Melrose Place) as his next pick-up. Mark spy's her gyrating to some really bad music and fighting with her blond beefcake boyfriend. Deciding to make his move he gives her a ride and slips her a mickey. After a futile escape attempt, Mark cuts her blonde hair short and dyes it brown, like his mom's. Mark and Daniela engage in a battle of wills. Daniela tries to seduce and sweet talk her way to freedom. As Mark attempts to assert his will upon her. Whilst this is going on her beefy boyfriend is trying to track her down. Will Daniela make good her escape? Will Mark be feeding the gators another body. Or will Beefy Mcbeefcake come to the rescue?

No! Shoot  Lenzi!

Lenzi directs the film with almost no style. The suspense in nil. Acting? What acting? There's very little blood and gore. There's some awful nudity and mullets galore. A truly terrable dance number and a wet t-shirt contest! In the interview included on the disc Lenzi seems to be under the pretense he's delving into the mind of a troubled killer. But what we get is a Lifetime movie with mullets, boobs (in front and behind the camera.) and late 80's synthesizer cheese. The box proclaims it to be a giallo. I think not! Worth a viewing if your in the mood for a seedy slice of fromage.

Panboredom

Pandorum (2009)

Director: Christian Alvart

Writers: Travis Milloy, Christian Alvart

Starring: Ben Foster, Dennis Quaid, Antje Traue, Cung Le, Cam Gigandet, Eddie Rouse, Norman Reedus

"I can't remember any of my life before this flight began."

In the year 2174 the Earth is dying due to overpopulation and war. So earth sends the space ark "Elysium" on a mission to colonize a distant earth type world. Bower (Foster) awakens from hyper sleep with a case of memory loss. Seems it's a side effect of being in hyper sleep for so long a time. Little by little he starts to remember his mission and that he may have a wife somewhere on the ship, asleep like he was. Lt. Payton (Quaid) soon awakens from hyper sleep as well.

Payton stays behind while Bower goes to fix the ship's reactor. Bower's remembered that he's the ship's engineer and that the reactor is going to go boom. Bower meets up with a female scientist (Traue) who likes to use kung fu at the drop of a hat. They run afoul of strange primitive monster like hunters who have taken over a large portion of the ship and like to hunt humans. Meanwhile Payton finds a frightened officer (Gigandet) who might be suffering from a type of space crazies called pandorum.

The trailer to Pandorum made me think of Event Horizon. Which isn't surprising since that film's director Paul WS Anderson produced Pandorum. There's a bit of Alien and Predator in here as well. I'm not a Paul WS Anderson hater, I've enjoyed some of his films. But the biggest problem I've had with most of them is their plainness. Slick looking and filled with action but lacking in anything that gives a good Sci-Fi action film that specialness. Just look at the first three Alien films, Predator or the first two Terminator films. They've all got a special something about them. The biggest problem I've had with his films and Pandorum is that I never gave a damn about any of the characters. Every character introduced was bland then the last. I never once cared about them or if they survived. We're not even given much background on any of them expect for a few lines here and there. Quaid and Foster are good actors who deserve better then what their given to work with here. Reedus of the Boondock Saints film is wasted in a role that's barely five minutes long. The monsters also suffer from being very bland. They seem more goofy then threating. The origins of the creatures is given short shift for more bland kung fu scenes. There's a couple of twists here in the plot. Both of which you'll see coming from a mile away.

It's really surprising to me just how many positive reviews this film got on IMDB. I don't know what they saw in it. I didn't hate the film. If it had been badly made or made me hate it, that would have one thing. It's well made. But it's just so boring that I was checking the time reaming counter constantly. I'll take a bad film over a boring one any day.

Really, what was I expecting? It's slightly better than that. Slightly.

Sorority Row (2009)

Director: Stewart Hendler

Writers: Josh Stolberg, Pete Goldfinger

Starring: Briana Evigan, Shedrick Garrett, Margo Harshman, Rumer Willis, Jamie Chung, Leah Pipes, Audrina Patridge, Carrie Fisher

"Ellie, I love you because you're always there to help with homework. You're like a spellcheck with a nice rack."

Another remake of an 80's horror film. Oh joy. I haven't seen The House on Sorority Row. Can't say I was expecting anything from this film though. Growing up in the 80's I watched slasher movies and loved them damn it! It's a genre I still love. If there's a slasher film with an even remotely interesting looking killer or hook I'm in. And one set on a collage campus? That's always been a sub-genre I've enjoyed. See The Dorm That Dripped Blood for a prime example. So I couldn't resist Sorority Row's siren call.

The ladies of Theta Pi are in their senior year of college, They major in sex, drugs and general snarky behavior. All the sisters are your stranded horror stereotypes. We have the bitchy leader, the party girl, the ethnic girl, the smart girl and our final girl. One night the ladies decide to pull a little prank on a philandering boyfriend. Well said prank ends with one sister dead and the rest swearing to keep it a secret. Good girl Cassidy (Evigan) protests and evil bitch Jessica (Pipes) plants evidence to keep her quiet. Months later the girls are set to graduate and someone with a grudge knows what they did last summer. Soon the girls and anyone else who wanders into frame get picked off. As people die the girls fear their dead friend has returned from the grave to kill them.

Sorority Row makes no pretense about what it is...a cheesy horror movie. Filled with corn ball lines and lame jump scares. The Killer has a real fetish for ramming things into people's mouths. Hell it's even mentioned in the making of features. The kills don't show much. If it wasn't for breasts and foul language this would be PG rated. Sadly the killer is just some dude running around in a Ben Kenobi robe. The killer sports a tricked out tire iron/glaive straight out of Krull. Most of the characters sort of blend sort of blend together except for a two examples. Carrie Fisher's shotgun toting house mother and party girl Chugs (Harshman). Yes that's her name Chugs. Is it because she's a lush? Or is it because she's easy? Maybe both. Poor Rumer Willis, all she gets to do is scream and look scared for most of the film.

I can't say Sorority Row is good. Not the travesty that was the Prom Night remake, more middle of the road like say I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. I was expecting to hate it. But I was never bored and at times I felt like I was watching one of those hoary 80's slashers that weren't very good but good for a rainy afternoons entertainment.

And now a tribute to Chugs...

Chugs 1985-2009

Chugs with your acerbic wit and keen fashion sense. You liked your pills and booze. You liked your sex and didn't care were you got it from. Where were you when I went to collage? It was a damn shame you were the first to go...Ah Chugs we hardly knew ya.


 

Time to grab a Twinkie and nut up or shut up!

Zombieland (2009)

Director: Ruben Fleischer

Writers: Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick

Starring: Woody Harrelson, Jesse Eisenberg, Amber Heard, Emma Stone, Abigail Breslin

"You're like a giant... cock blocking robot, like developed in a secret fucking government lab."

I loves me some zombies. I've watched so many freaking zombie movies and I have yet to tire of them. And now days there seems to be no shortage of films featuring the flesh-eating undead. With Shaun of the Dead and the return of George Romero and now this film's success zombie films appear to be a hot ticket for the time being. So is Zombieland any good? More on that in a minute.

After a really decent opening telling us how the world fell apart. And a sweet credits sequence featuring "For Whom the Bell Tolls" by Metallica we're introduced to Columbus (Eisenberg) nerdy collage student and loner by choice. On the road he meets Tallahassee (Harrelson) another surviver. Tallahassee on a quest to find some Twinkies whilst kicking lots of zombie ass. Pretty soon they run into con-artist sisters Wichita (Stone) and Little Rock (Breslin) who steal the guy's car and guns. Eventually they decide it would be better to team up and the four head off cross country trying to live through the zombie apocalypse.

That's basically the story in a nutshell. Four people on a road trip during a zombie apocalypse. There's not much more to it then that. That in and of it's self would not be all that bad, but midway through the film that's not a whole lot of zombie action. The beginning and the end a brimming with it, and it's really well done. But it would have been nice to maybe have some zombie action during the midsection. That being said I liked the characters, Harrelson's Tallahassee steals the whole damn movie. Emma Stone is incredibly gorgeous and plays her streetwise con-artist character incredibly well. She's like a female Han Solo. There's also a great cameo that comes close to making up for the slow middle. The zombie effect a well done and there's some zombie gore, nothing on a par with an Italian gut-muncher though.

The DVD features a commentary with actors Woody Harrelson and Jesse Eisenberg, director Ruben Fleischer, and writers Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick. A couple of short but good behind-the-scenes featurettes, seven deleted scenes and five theatrical promo trailers.

Seeing the television promos and the trailer I thought this would be a film I'd really love. And I wanted too, but in the end it's a good not great zombie flick. I liked it. Wasn't wowed by it. But a good zombie film is always welcome. Zombieland doesn't take you anywhere new but it's fun while it lasts.

Plastic Hassle?

Plastic Man: The Complete Collection (1979)

"From out of the pages of DC Comics!"

Do the Plas!

Plastic Man was introduced in Police Comics #1 (August 1941), published by Quality Comics. Created by writer-artist Jack Cole, Plas started out as crook Patrick "Eel" O'Brian. During the robbery of a chemical plant, he was doused with a kind of acid that turned him all rubbery. He was taken in by monks who healed him. O'Brian decided to abandon his crimanl ways and become a hero. With a goofy sidekick, Woozy Winks, Plastic Man became a crime fighter in order to seek redemption.

Disco Mummy

Plastic Man, Penny his "sort-of" girlfriend, and his Polynesian sidekick Hula-Hula travel the world working for the "Chief", who is the head of some sort of law enforcement agency. Plastic Man much like Spider Man likes to wise crack as he fights the bad guys. Penny is madly in love with Plas but he hardly ever notices, he seems to have a crush on their female boss, the Chief. Then there's Hula Hula, a Lou Costello-ish sidekick with a bad luck jinx, whose antics are sure to get on your nerves.

Plas and the gang

Plastic Man's rouges gallery is unique to say the least. They're an odd and very 70's assortment, with names like The Weed, Doctor Dome, Dr. Superstein, Ghostfinger, and Disco Mummy. They're really never much of a threat for Plas and mostly played for laughs.

Superstein!

Puddle Trouble

Being a fan of the Superfriends cartoons and other 70's superhero cartoons I enjoyed the nostalgia of these cartoons, but they really haven't aged that well. The humor here is very broad and Plas and the gang's antics can get very repetitive after a few episodes. They're best watched one or two at a time. The episodes pretty much follow the same set-up every time. Villain steals something and Plastic Man is sent to arrest them and get back what ever they took. If you can tolerate the show's short comings and have fond memories of seeing it in the late 70's or when it was syndicated or just have a hankering for old school Saturday morning cartoon fare check it out.

Computer Head styles a funky jacket

Featuring all 35 cartoons of the show on four discs. There's a decent retrospective featurette, "Plas-tastic: A Brief History of Plastic Man," which gives a decent overview of Plastic Man. Also there's a 15-minute cartoon from 2006, "Puddle Trouble," which was a pilot for a series that wasn't picked up. That's a shame because it's insane and would have been a fun series.