Monday, June 27, 2011

Backwoods boredom

BreadCrumbs (2011)

Director: Mike Nichols

Writers: Anthony Masi (story), Sam Freeman (screenplay),

Starring: Jim J. Barnes, Steve Carey, Marianne Hagan, and Amy Crowdis

I just don't understand why oh so many horror films have to have such compete morons and prize winning dicks as their main characters. What's so hard about giving us somebody, anybody to care about. Shit, even the killers were annoying. At least in a film with a bunch of suck ass characters you can usually root for the killer. Thanks for denying me even that simple pleasure. BreadCrumbs is so filled with crap it makes me wonder why I even bother with horror films made after 1999.

Her I liked
The story concerns a bunch of pricks going to some cottage in the woods to film a porn flick. But there's a couple of weird backwoods (Twenty year old) kids lurking about. The red headed sister who looks like Emily Browning and her retardo brother spy are adult filmmakers up to porn high jinks and decide to play a game with them. The kind of game that ends with arrows in the back and cookie cutters shoved into your face. The victims hole up in the cottage for your NOTLD siege/bickering before the final few decide to make a break for it. By the time that happened I was hoping for all the characters to die and have God sort them out. No such luck.

Getting all BWP on yo ass!
Well, I guess I didn't like BreadCrumbs. Marianne Hagan who starred in Halloween 6 and was fine there got stuck with perhaps the dumbest, most annoying character ever. Her getting ready to retire former party girl/porn actress character Angie was just too much. Okay, your under siege by a couple of crazy kids that have wounded or killed some of your friends what do you do? Why you go on and on about how they're just kids and are either innocent or being used by some unseen psycho. Even when all evidence tells you otherwise! Listen, if some bastard shot my wife or lover full of arrows their getting dead real fast. I don't give a crap if the bastard is 16 or 60, they're going down. Don't even get me started on ahole porn director Eddie. Does every horror film need the one dimensional cowardly douche? Though with Angie's consent whining I almost considered rooting for him, almost.

I like lots of crap films. There's always something that will endear them to me. I wish there was something good I could say about BreadCrumbs, something I liked. The girl with the glasses was cute. Okay I guess that was something. The dude in the pizza boy getup could have been a sympathetic character, had they not taken him out early. The crazy brother's freak out towards the end was sort of funny.

Almost over
Again, films like this make me wonder, what's so hard about writing characters that aren't total pricks or morons? I don't mind a dickish or moronic character if they're given some dimension. But populating a whole movie with a bunch cardboard characters? That makes me want to root for the killers. BreadCrumbs denies me even that simple pleasure.


cblaze said...

So, true about "new" horror... This review made my morning!

Professor Brian O'Blivion said...

Thank you!

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